I'm ready, so why am I so scared?

It has been a while, and my current class of APA VIP Trainees are down to their last week, and a final exam.  I am excited for them, remembering what it felt like to feel ready to rock after my own training stint in 2009.

Apparently, there is one thing I did not readily remember until I received this cry for help from one of the graduating trainees:


"so here I am coach, done with VIP trainee sharing almost everyone (sic) what i was doing but then just last night i realized they did not understand me...

"...I feel so lost right now, it seems that i am pressured to earn big as soon as possible to let them feel what i am doing. it's like they won't really understand it until they see a progress. What i mean is, they will just believe me if makakakita na sila na i am earning talaga. now both on and off the tables i am pressured, i think a lot... i don't know what to do especially now na i am very down so i can't get to higher stakes...

"...i need their support so that maybe i can ask help from them(financially) so that i can go to higher stakes but of course they will not trust me.

"This is my first experience na ang isip ko ay lumilipad. i can hardly play on my own game. i am always thinking about them and about the results. If you are just here to help me explain to them everything.lol i am sharing this to you coach 'coz i look at you as an older brother(though it may sound OA) but it's true... i always chat or text you when i have problem, it may only be poker but hey poker is part of my life and for me i want to be earning my money kung saan ako happy. i love poker and i know i have future if meron lang talaga maniniwala sa akin...

 

"...Now I really want to talk to my parents but i don't have the guts. I really want to ask a help from them to start my real job but i don't know how to explain it to them..."

Hi,

I will sum up most of what you are feeling:  it is a phenomenon I like to call "Re-Entry Anxiety"


As you know, when a space shuttle returns to Earth, the atmosphere burns it up as it re-enters.  The tiny capsule will take all that heat, melt a little, burn a little, then break through.  But it doesn't end there.

It will fall and hit the ground pretty hard.  Then the recovery team has to find the capsule, extract the people (and things) inside it, and everyone picks up the pieces before life will go on - albeit with more wisdom and information that we ever had before.


This happens every time people come home from a vacation, and this happens every time somebody goes back to the real world after a retreat, seminar, or intensive workshop.  Sound like it is happening to you.

We learned a lot training together, and there were guides along the way.  Now we are on our own (well, not really, but it will feel that way) and it will be time to prove we are better people.

That's where the pressure will come from.  Whenever you tell someone "I learned something" or "I am a better person" the bad news is that they will have higher expectations of you - and so will you.  Some will support you and will be excited for you.  Most will envy you at some level, and secretly take pleasure in watching you falter.

"Akala ko ba may natutunan ka?"

"Bakit ganyan ka pa rin?"


Do not let people who refuse to move forward hold you back.  Just move forward the best way you know how.  If you seem to be moving in a different direction than those around you, be gentle and embrace that people are different, and peoples' lives are not supposed to follow a template.  Your only job is to grow - as a person, not just as a poker player.

DO NOT RUSH YOURSELF.  Growth happens in microscopic steps.  Try to watch a plant grow, it will drive you crazy.  You have to trust in the process.  Trust yourself.

This trust in yourself will create an aura of confidence about you that others can feel - helping them trust you as well.

Ever see someone climb up a coconut tree without a harness?  Scary to watch, but after a while, we look at the dude up there and we think "well, i guess he's not gonna die.  I guess he knows what he is doing."

If I climb up a coconut tree, I will be full of fear, doubt, and obvious incompetence.  Anyone watching will feel that vibe, and they will fear for me.  More appropriately, they will fear WITH me.


So back to you:

Your VIP training program has run its course, and it is time for YOU to take off the training wheels.  You may fall off the bike a few times, but so what? 

All these expectations are a source of performance anxiety.  Get over it, and just do what you trained to do: Observe, evaluate, make the best decision - moment to moment.  Screen out the kibitzers and voices in your head while you are playing.  When you play, just play.  When you review, then just review.  When you eat, then just eat and actually enjoy your food.

Stay rooted in your HERE and NOW.  Thoughts of the future - of your goals and your proof and validation and accolades and all that - can disrupt your rhythm now.  If you are worrying right now, then I guarantee that your mind is not on wherever else it is supposed to be.  Multitasking is a lie:  you cannot worry while focusing on doing your best.  You cannot think of a villain's raising range while wondering what your family is thinking about you right now.

Do not rush.  Crawl, then walk, then run, then jump, then fly.  These thoughts of asking for help to jumpstart your career and play higher stakes asap is probably (sounds to me) like a form of panic and induced tilt.

I must reiterate:  this is your Re-Entry.  It is normal to feel anxious - even depressed - but there is no excuse to stay inside those feelings.  Feel it, understand it, let it go.

Then you will go!